“What would you do if someone was drunk and in your face, and a whole lot bigger than you?”
My instructor grabbed the front of my uniform in his fist, and shook me slightly to emphasize his point. Standing a foot taller than me and outweighing me by about 100 pounds, he was intimidating, even though I trusted him. Ever one to push us in our training towards preparing for the unexpected, he liked to throw scenarios at us when we were least expecting them, in an effort to prepare us to respond appropriately.
That day, as a 15 year old girl who’d grown up in a loving home, I didn’t really have an answer. I had ideas, but on the spot, I froze.
When would that even happen?
It did. Often. About ten years later, life was completely different than it had been growing up. I was fluent in a second language, and had lived in Russia for several years, working and living in an orphanage. I had learned so much. ‘My’ kids had taught me about more than I could ever write here. I had learned how to cope in situations I never would have dreamed of, growing up in suburban America.
And as I learned new things, I also revisited old lessons. Lessons that had taken place in a karate uniform, on mats, with trusted friends and instructors. Things I’d completely forgotten came back, as I experienced life in a way I’d never dreamed I would.
Countless times, I would only realize in hindsight that I had used skills I’d learned in the dojo.
Knife disarms, arm bars, situational awareness, takedowns, I had occasion in the wild world of the orphanage to use them all, and was very thankful for those skills.
But – more important than any of the above, without doubt, was a skill that one instructor in particular did his best to work on with us. The skill most valuable, the one I have used in many, many situations, is verbal de-escalation.
In my opinion, our goal as martial artists should always be first to keep situations from becoming physical. If you can diffuse a situation with verbal de-escalation, you win. Removing yourself from a conflict is the most straightforward way to avoid escalating into a physical confrontation, but, realistically, that is not always possible. Therefore, the skills to de-escalate a situation verbally are incredibly important.
When I work with my students on verbal self defense, I remember one particular scenario, every single time. Looking back, I am so very thankful things turned out as they did, and I remember thinking in the moment, that if I survived it, I would need to make sure anyone I ever taught would be able to, as well.
A night that changed my life
I had lived in Russia long enough to call it my second home. I had friends who had become like family, and kids in the orphanage whom I loved fiercely.
When I met my future husband, I dreamed of taking him back to my ‘Russian home’ to see that part of my life, meet my friends, the kids, and the beauty that is Russian village life.
We spent an amazing week in the village and orphanage, then returned to Moscow to fly out. On our return trip, we got on an overnight train, on a cold, snowy November night. It was dark out, the train was warm, and we made up our beds and got ready to get some sleep.
Before we could lay down, however, our compartment was filled with the largest, most angry, drunk man I had ever seen. He sat down across from my boyfriend and proceeded to berate him and interrogate him in a very brash, inexcusable way.
The ugly truth is, this man was incredibly racist, and my boyfriend definitely didn’t look Russian. My boyfriend also didn’t speak Russian, so the drunk man became increasingly agitated that he wasn’t answering his slurred, racist questions.
After about thirty seconds of evaluating the situation, I jumped in and engaged. I wanted nothing more than for this massive, angry man to go away and leave us alone. He turned his anger on me, then, and for what seemed like an eternity, I had a very, very serious lesson in verbal de-escalation. In those moments, I realized that my experiences talking down emotionally charged kids, at times even suicidal, was much more valuable than any training I’d received in the dojo.
Perhaps it was the sheer duration of our ‘conversation’, or the fact that I was very much stuck in that train compartment, but for me, time froze. For over two hours, this man threatened to kill my boyfriend, screamed at me for being stupid enough not to be with a man of my own kind (ha, if only he had picked up on the fact that I wasn’t actually Russian), and that he was going to put a stop to all of the foreigners coming into their country and stealing women away from good men. Horrible things to hear from anyone, but particularly gut-wrenching when it’s about someone you love.
As I said, I learned a lot that evening. I learned that you can pray hard, and also engage on a verbal level with someone in your second language at the same time. I learned anew what it looks like to be be calm and firm at the same time. I had learned in the first months of living in Russia that drunk people often have circular logic – they come back to the same issue over, and over again. We revisited the same racial slurs, and threats, and stories from his past, at least a dozen times. I learned that when I firmly insisted he apologize for calling me horrible names, he did so, and momentarily seemed remorseful, before lunging forward in anger once again. I learned that by continually insisting he go find his own assigned bed and sleep in it, I first was threatened with physical harm for telling him what to do, but over time, was able to convince him, finally, to leave.
It was really and truly a miracle that night that nothing turned physical. He was large, and strong, and angry. And drunk.
But – he was finally gone. I didn’t sleep that night, and I hugged my boyfriend very tightly. I was exhausted, and very thankful that my communication skills in Russian, which had never been put to the test in quite that pressured of a situation before, held up. Shortly after leaving our compartment, the man got into a fistfight with someone down a few compartments, and at the next stop was thrown off the train. It wasn’t until we pulled out of that stop that I dared relax a bit.
There was so much that happened in that 2 hour confrontation, I still am amazed I was able to endure it. I wish it hadn’t happened – and yet, I am thankful it did. I am forever grateful it never turned physical. There was mention of a knife, although I never saw it. Things could have so easily ended tragically that night, and they didn’t. I will never stop thanking God for that!
Verbal De-escalation is a vital skill
I am, and always will be, learning. Today, as a martial arts school owner and instructor, I endeavor to teach my students the skills I have learned, not only in the dojo, but also in a lifetime of working to use words in a positive way. I don’t have a comprehensive course on verbal defense written, guaranteeing you’ll be able to stop any situation from becoming violent. That would be foolish to promise, no matter what experience I have had!
I do, however, have some specific things I feel are vital tools for everyone, whether they are working to calm an out-of-control toddler, a frustrated co-worker, or an attacker.
1. Ego has no place in verbal de-escalation.
In my personal experience, verbal confrontation often includes personal attacks. When we respond and engage because our feelings have been hurt, or we have been personally offended, we lose sight of the goal – which is to de-escalate and resolve the conflict. As an individual, you must recognize this and keep ego from playing a role in your response. As a teacher – understand that confident students don’t have to defend their ego. Make sure you do everything you can to build confidence, not ego, in your students.
2. Control of the situation begins with control of yourself.
Self control can manifest in many different ways. In a conflict, self control is understanding that a calm, steady, patient approach will produce more positive results than an out-of-control response. I have experienced people screaming in my face, shoving me, yelling at me from a distance, calling me names, and trying to attack a kid while I stood between them. Staying calm is vital to gaining control of the situation, and it goes hand-in-hand with the first point, which is realizing this is not about proving yourself, it’s about de-escalating a situation so everyone can walk away safe.
3. Calm does not equal passive.
There are those who would argue that you must get upset in order to take control of a situation. By saying that you must remain calm, I am not saying you should not be firm. I have been in situations where I had to speak emphatically and even loudly in order to be heard and make progress in resolving the conflict. There is a difference between being out of control and upset, and having an understanding of what needs to happen in order to resolve things in the current situation. At times that takes a very firm approach.
In one situation, I had two drunk men trying to break down the door of the building a friend and I were living in (alone) at midnight. I had to speak very loudly and firmly and tell them in no uncertain terms that I was absolutely not going to allow them to gain access to the building, and that they would regret not leaving that very minute. They laughed, and then, shockingly, left and didn’t return. I use this illustration because it was a monumental moment in my life, and I realized that sometimes, by being willing to stand your ground no matter what, you won’t have to.
4. Find out your opponent’s goal
This may sound like an odd point, but it is important. If you know where they’re trying to go with the conflict, you’ll be able to focus on the resolution. When I respond immediately by trying to figure out what the person wants, I can get to the point of escape or resolution much more directly, and when things get twisted up and off track, I can keep them focused. The man on the train wanted to rid his home country of all international visitors and close the borders.
This was ridiculous, and also way beyond his reach. But when intoxicated, all he could see was this objective – he wanted to do something violent to someone he saw as a threat. I continually insisted we were on our way out of the country. We wouldn’t even be in Russia twenty-four hours from that point. Then that he didn’t want to spend life in jail for murder. As a result I was able to calm him down and shift his focus onto something different, albeit momentarily. It was a tiresome, exhausting exchange that repeated at least fifty times. By the end, we are still alive, and I am happily married to that boyfriend.
When a toddler is over-reacting to something, the same principle applies. Find out what it is that’s really bothering them, and respond to that. Sometimes it really is that important that Paw Patrol isn’t on today. And sometimes, they didn’t eat enough for lunch and don’t understand that their body needs nourishment in order to function properly.
5. Respond, don’t react
We say this often in martial arts training, and in my opinion, there is no greater application than in verbal de-escalation. This goes hand-in-hand with what has already been said. If you are assaulted on a verbal level, don’t react to the words they say – respond to the threat they pose. If you can’t walk away, engage with calm, confident composure. Never return insult for insult. When you feel yourself getting upset, remember the goal – de-escalate and resolve the conflict, as much as you possibly can.
Often, the kids I worked with in the orphanage threatened harm to themselves. At times, they were doing it simply to get a reaction out of their teachers or caretakers. At times, they were actually done with life and didn’t know what else to do. It was a rough place to be a kid. I watched a caretaker fall all over herself, trying to convince one of our girls not to harm herself. The girl kept getting louder and more insistent the more the caretaker insisted she not do it.
Finally I approached her and asked one question. I asked “Why?”. She was worked up. After sitting together on the floor for a while, she opened up and the conversation revealed some issues. Issues that we were able to work together to resolve. She needed someone to care about what was going on in her life. Not just the fact that she wanted to end it.
This is by no means a comprehensive list, but hopefully it has given you some food for thought, and perhaps even some tools with which to work.
What would you add? What are some things that have worked to de-escalate and resolve situations in your own life? Do you teach them to your students?
- Setting Personal Boundaries – A Valuable Self Defense Skill - December 14, 2021
- The Value of Verbal De-escalation Skills - October 19, 2021
- 3 Ways to Ruin Your Child’s Martial Arts Training (Or, Please Don’t Be *That* Parent) - September 14, 2021
Leave a Reply