So, your kid wants to try martial arts!
Sometimes, I wish I could give an interview to every parent that expresses interest in classes for their kids. I suppose this is because I am a martial arts instructor, and I am passionate about kids and working with them. My desire to communicate with parents also stems from nearly 10 years of interactions with all sorts of families, students, and non-martial artist parents. I recognize that compared to the teaching experience of many, I have relatively few hours on the mats, however I am constantly striving to learn and grow, more every day.
In the time I have been privileged to teach martial arts, I have learned a lot. It is often said, “you learn more teaching than you ever did as a student”, and I have personally found that to be correct. One of the things I have learned is how many problems could be solved before they ever become large issues, through proper communication.
Non-martial artists see karate, taekwondo, kung fu, and all the other wonderful arts that are available to train in through a lens that, I believe, we martial artists have a hard time understanding. Because for us, it is a lifestyle, even if we don’t train as much as we want to or used to.
And, therein lies a problem. Eager kids (or reluctant kids brought by an eager parent, we see both) come into the dojo that first day for classes, and they have certain expectations. We as instructors are the privileged ones, because we get to communicate and set those expectations with our students. We get to welcome them, explain things to them, and give them a place to thrive, and grow, and learn. At least, that’s the goal!
With the parents, however, it can be a different story. Depending on the art, the training location, the parent’s schedule, and school policy, parents may or may not even stay to observe class.
I’ve learned, and continue to learn, the importance of communication with parents of students. Because so many of us teach children, it serves to reason that this situation may apply to many different instructors, no matter the specific art. We have parents sign liability forms, insurance paperwork, fee schedules and sign-in sheets; we give them order sheets for uniforms and equipment. But do we let them know how we can all work together for our students’ benefit? Do we communicate clearly our expectations of them?
This article is for parents. Perhaps you’re reading this as an instructor – if this list seems as though it would be of any benefit to your students’ parents, please share it with them!
And if you’re a parent, please take a good look, and know that by pinpointing a few negatives, I am simply trying to communicate those things that parents think are helpful, but are actually negatively impacting not only your own kid, but also us as instructors.
1. Coaching from the sidelines
“Listen to your sensei! Stop playing with your belt and look at her! You’re fine, you don’t need water.”
Spoken from a chair, in a loud voice for the entire room to hear, comments came rushing at one of our younger students. It seemed for the entire hour, every time I opened my mouth to speak to the group, this spectator was already yelling at them, at times negating what I had already said.
“C’mon, punch him!”
Yelled from a well-meaning parent on the sidelines, as we worked specifically on kicking drills during a sparring class. The confused student looked from me, to their parent, and back, trying to decide who they were supposed to listen to, the teacher telling them to kick, or the parent telling them to punch.
“Jake! Get in there!”
Yelled from another well-meaning parent, whose son instinctively looked back at them when he heard his name called, and was subsequently struck in the face by his opponent, who had been aiming for the well-protected side of his head.
Spectators who coach is such a difficult situation to deal with, it is the primary reason some school owners I know do not allow any non-students to observe classes. By eliminating the spectator aspect, they have taken away the above scenarios, and many others. But – is that the best way to resolve this issue?
Parents and guardians, this situation ultimately comes down to trust. Do you trust us to teach your child? You’ve paid, you’ve brought them to class, but in the time that they are on the mats, do you actually trust us to lead, teach, protect, and train your kid in this art? I think if you can honestly answer yes, then I’d like you to understand that we know how to do our job. Sometimes, we see the kid playing with his belt, or staring off into space while waiting their turn. And sometimes, we’re okay with that. Sometimes we know that by giving a bit, we gain a lot. And sometimes, we’re focusing on kicking drills, and don’t need you to yell at your kid to punch.
If your answer to the above question is no, I would ask you to take a serious look at the place your child trains and see if, perhaps, they would be better off in a different school. Yes, that’s a harsh statement. But if you’re genuinely not comfortable enough to sit back and allow the instructor to teach your child, for whatever reason, that is a consideration you need to make.
My final statement on this will be the one that we tell all of our families, and remind them of before every tournament. The word ‘encourage’ means to impart courage to. Give your kids courage – speak encouraging words to them. Let us coach. You may see the exact same things we do; but if you trust us to do our job, let us do it. You have a far more important role, as an encouraging parent. If we can count on your encouragement, and you can count on our teaching and coaching skills, the students are the ones who will benefit more than if we try to do each others’ jobs.
2. Comparing your kid to other students
Jane can’t stand next to her sister in line, or they’ll distract one another. If you separate them, both do great.
Greg has about a 12-minute attention span before we lose him, unless he’s personally engaged with someone who understands that.
Jimmy always comes straight from school and hasn’t eaten in hours. He is always hurrying to make it to class in time and puts his uniform on over his school clothes in the car. Because of this, we now have healthy snacks available for everyone.
And the list goes on. Every instructor knows their students, or at least, they should. As instructors, we see all different types of students step onto the mats every week. It is a joy to see them grow, mature, and gain confidence over the months and years, and it is an honor to be a part of that process.
For us, these things are all in the back of our minds when we teach. Assessing the needs of each student is a skill, and it takes effort.
And then, we have the parents (yes, the ones on the sidelines we addressed above) who watch class and compare every single student to their own kid. For better or worse, for them, every class is an opportunity to judge their kid based on their peers.
I’ve been approached by countless parents who ask me why the kid standing next to their own kicked higher in warmups.
Why they were more aggressive in sparring.
Why they knew their forms better, did them sharper, spoke louder, drank less water. Honestly, my initial reaction is to choke back the urge to yell, “Stop comparing your kid to others!”
Yelling at people, however passionately you feel about something, rarely ever accomplishes something productive.
And therefore, I write.
If you are a parent and you recognize any of this in yourself, please hear me now – childhood is a journey. Learning martial arts is a journey. Every human being on the planet is unique, and wonderful because they are. It’s not a race, nor a competition (at least, it shouldn’t be). Some kids are flexible naturally, some have to work at it, some kids are coordinated, and some fall down every time they kick. As an instructor, I love working with all of them. To challenge them where they’re at. To celebrate them, and the personal victories they accomplish along the way. And I challenge you, as a parent, to do the same, no matter how quickly other kids are moving up in ranks or what pace you think your child should be moving at.
When you watch your kid’s martial arts class, watch your kid. Be there to support them (remember our discussion above on encouragement?). If you have concerns, every good instructor will be happy to step aside and discuss those with you. But asking a 10-year old why they aren’t as good at something as the other kid with the same color belt is never going to bring about positive change.
Though I see it less frequently, the flip side is also true – don’t gloat about how great your kid is compared to others. Have I made my point? Don’t compare. It’s rude, and it doesn’t help.
3. Being disinterested
Some of my students have parents I only see at tournaments, or perhaps once or twice a year. That in an of itself is not something I particularly have a problem with, as I understand how busy life can be, especially for families with multiple kids in multiple activities. Drop Jess off at karate, take Billy to basketball practice, swing by and pick up Joe from guitar lessons, come back and pick up Jess after karate – doesn’t leave much room for chit-chat with the sensei.
Other parents have stated that karate is their chance to get some me-time, and they spend class on their phone, or doing paperwork in the car. Some run errands.
And – that’s okay. These aren’t negatives, necessarily. The problem is when parents, whether they’re sitting in the dojo or dropping their kid off, never engage with their kids about martial arts. They don’t have any idea what their kids are learning, and they don’t care. Parents have said multiple times to me, “I’m not even going to ask what they’re supposed to practice at home, that’s on them. I pay for classes, that’s as involved as I get.”
Sorry, wrong answer. If your kid is in martial arts classes, be interested in martial arts. I don’t mean you have to join classes with them (although I’m not saying that’s a bad idea), but I mean you need to care. If they’re working on a new form, ask them about it. Make the time to watch them practice it. Listen to their stories about who sparred whom in class. Watch a martial arts movie together and ask them to explain what they like about it, or dislike, and if they think it’s realistic compared to what they’re learning.
Ask how class went. Listen for as long as they want to talk when they answer. Ask if they have everything they need – ask if you can help them practice at home.
You don’t have to be the sideline coach (please don’t be) to be a great, supportive parent. You just have to engage, and make sure you show that you care. And, if you don’t care, you need to start. Right now. Not because martial arts is important, but because kids are important – and what is important to them, needs to be important to us.
Ask questions, not just to ask them, but to really show you care. Learn about what rank your child is working towards – not just so you can schedule promotions and pay fees, but because they’re excited to move up in rank and learn new material, and you’re excited for them. If they’re stuck at a certain rank, or having a difficult time, offer help. Maybe it’s just 10 minutes every day, but ask them what would be helpful. Would they learn a form better if they had someone reading the sheet to them every day? Would they enjoy practicing more if they had an audience?
Get to know your martial artist. Show them you care by making what they love a priority to you.
Ultimately, just love your kids. I’m not suggesting you don’t, but these are some practical ways you can show it. I’ve seen so many people make these mistakes, I thought, perhaps, by reading this, you wouldn’t end up being one of them.
- Setting Personal Boundaries – A Valuable Self Defense Skill - December 14, 2021
- The Value of Verbal De-escalation Skills - October 19, 2021
- 3 Ways to Ruin Your Child’s Martial Arts Training (Or, Please Don’t Be *That* Parent) - September 14, 2021
Hard but necessary words. Thank you.