At 11 years old, my son earned the right to wear the most universally-recognised symbol of excellence there is – a Black Belt in martial arts.
I consider it one of my greatest achievements as a parent so far.
Do I sound smug? Probably.
Like I’m living vicariously through my Ninja Boy even? I hope not since I plan to get there myself one day.
Or maybe I’m coming off as some kind of self-righteous parenting expert. *gag
Just in case it will put you more at ease…not a parenting expert! Not. Even. Close.
Hey, I force fed my son carrot for five years (5 YEARS!) because he’s stubborn and fussy and there was not a single other vegetable I could get him to eat. Yep. Allergic.
Found out just recently. Confirmed by blood test while searching for answers on another health issue. Dammit.
Best put my Parent of the Year Award nomination on ice.
Despite this (*cough) carrot-related low point, what I can share with assurance though, is the process of helping my Ninja Boy reach Black Belt, taught me a bunch of really cool things about goal-setting for kids!
Aaaaaand the things we can do as parents to give them the very best shot possible at success.
The best part is this stuff can be applied, not just to martial arts, but any type of goal your child has their sights set on.
And these insights are not just mine. (In case the whole carrot thing shook your confidence in me!)
I consulted other parents of Black Belts too so what follows is a bit of collective wisdom I hope your family can benefit from as well.
My Ninja Boy’s Black Belt back story…
The entire journey to Black Belt for him took six years. It was those final three months in the lead-up to grading day that literally felt like we were climbing a mountain together.
He wanted to prove himself worthy of the Black Belt challenge but tackling that summit on his own (at such a young age) was not something I was going to let him do alone.
Hubby and I each took a role in this process. As Ninja Boy and I do Taekwondo together (he far out-ranks me on the mats), anything to do with training was my job.
Hubby was appointed Chief Operating Officer of Distraction which meant doing fun things with Ninja Boy outside of Taekwondo so, at times, he could just put it all aside and focus on something else.
On the training side, Ninja Boy and I took every difficult micro-step in those last three months together, forging what I now hope will be an unbreakable bond between us as we head into those tricky teenage years.
No cheering from the sidelines (except on grading day of course!). I rolled up my sleeves, put on my floaties (I don’t love swimming!) and dived riiiiiiight in up to my eyeballs.
We dealt with hormone-fuelled rages of epic proportions (apparently a thing for some boys around age 11!), tendons and ligaments under fierce strain from fast-growing legs, a cold virus two weeks before grading day interrupting last-minute prep, serious self-doubt, threats to quit Taekwondo altogether and the resulting parental angst that I was pushing him too hard.
“I thought he was coping. Maybe he’s not? Maybe I’m expecting too much. I’m a terrible parent. Don’t come any closer! Just stand back and throw chocolate!”
The going was tough and maybe now you are starting to realise why I’m not just supremely proud of my son for his achievement, but proud of myself too for the work I put into helping him get there.
Despite my best efforts to sabotage his performance with carrot sticks. Who knew ok!?
Black Belt Grading Day
When Black Belt grading day arrived late last year, my mum pride actually kicked in well before Ninja Boy even set foot on the mats. On the day, despite a fairly dramatised lead-up, it was patently obvious he was ready.
Barely even nervous because by that stage, he knew he was prepared. The hard work had been done.
As another mum of a Black Belt in my club put it to her daughter: “You already have the skills and ability of a Black Belt. Now you just have to show them you have the skills and ability.”
Apparently, that reassurance helped her 13-year-old daughter a lot.
Another said, for her daughter, it worked to remind her that she had put in the hard work to reach the grading, all she needed now was the courage to step out on the mats and show them what she had.
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it” – Nelson Mandela
I must confess, Ninja Boy’s level of calm on grading day was in fairly stark contrast to my own demeanor. Sorry to everyone who came within a 10-foot radius of me during the event. Oooops.
A wise-beyond-her-years Taekwondo Sista of mine made a really great observation about this.
“It’s funny how the mum instincts kick in when you see your child upset, you kinda take control and kick ass,” she mused.
“But when (Ninja Boy) was calm in the face of adversity…”
With all this in mind, here are 4 Parenting Tips I have now gathered that I hope can be put to practical use in your family:
Tip 1: This is normal
I’m putting it first because I feel this single piece of advice from another mum in my club about six weeks prior to grading day gave Ninja Boy the greatest level of reassurance at a time when he was so overwhelmed by how much he still had to learn, that he wanted to quit.
I developed her little piece of advice into a mum speech I quietly feel deserves an Oscar or something.
“Everyone feels this way before they go for their Black Belt.”
I listed off all the other young Black Belts in our club and told him I had spoken to all of their mums and absolutely all of them felt the same way he was feeling right at that moment. And yet they had all succeeded.
“It’s totally normal to be feeling this way and it doesn’t mean you should quit or that you can’t get there. You absolutely can. Pushing on despite these feelings is just one part of the challenge.”
I also reminded him that nerves was his body’s way of showing him this was important and reminding him to do his best. If he turned up on grading day all ‘meh, just another day’ with no nerves at all, would he really put in his best effort?
Tip 2: Celebrate the progress
Make sure your kids really get the smaller steps they have achieved towards their bigger goals. For Ninja Boy, another of my (eh hem) monologues that really seemed to cut through with him was pointing out how only a few weeks before he couldn’t remember the steps for all five patterns (or poomsae) he needed to perform on the day. And now he could remember them all and with three weeks still left to prepare, all he had to concentrate on was perfecting them. (*fist pump!*)
In addition, for his 11th birthday three months before grading day, I created a photo montage for his bedroom wall which showed him right from that cute, chubby-cheeked little five-year-old White Belt, right up to current photos of him as a Cho Dan Bo (or probationary Black Belt). The aim was to celebrate his journey but also lay it out for him so he could really see how far he had come for himself.
Inspired by another wonderful family of Black Belts in my club (We call them ‘The Unbelievables’), I also had a personalised wall-mounted belt rack made for Lucas.
You see, The Unbelievables are so brilliant at celebrating big. Their home is plastered with Taekwondo achievements and mementos belonging to each member of the family – photos, belt displays, board breaks. The displays invite comment by visitors and foster the children’s pride in their journey.
The mum of another Black Belt in our club showed me this magnificent framed collage she created for her daughter featuring her official Dan Certificate from Korea and photos. She said visitors to their home were always drawn to it which again, fostered that valuable pride inside.
Tip 3: Build a cheer squad
It takes a village to raise a child – African proverb
It would be absolutely remiss of me here not to mention my Ninja Boy’s instructors who were of course, instrumental in helping him develop the skills, strength, techniques, and mindset required of a Black Belt.
Sincere thanks for their dedication to Ninja Boy’s development goes to:
- Master Justin Warren, 6th Dan Black Belt
- Head Instructor Ajana Plunkett, 4th Dan Black Belt
- Instructor John Crawford, 3rd Dan Black Belt
In addition to the instructors were other Black Belts in the club who gave up their free time and attention as much as they could to help my Ninja Boy. They also helped me to understand a bit more about what he was going through and how I could help him during our training sessions at home.
Then there were the other students (adults and children) attempting their Black Belt Grading alongside Ninja Boy. Their wildly varying ages didn’t matter one bit. There was such a wonderful comradery between them and the constant encouragement toward each other in the group was pretty awesome to watch.
Kids working towards goals need a whole cheer squad, not just good ole Mum and Dad. It’s the sound of many voices saying the same thing which really helps develop the self-belief they need to succeed.
Tip 4: Perseverance
Ninja Boy and I talked a lot about Perseverance. Children understanding the value of it in achieving goals that really matter, the ones that push their shoulders back and fill their chests with pride, demand perseverance.
We talked about one of the reasons a Black Belt is such a big deal is because pretty much everyone – martial artist or not – knows you have to work really hard, for a pretty long time to get one.
They don’t just come in the bottom of a cereal packet. They command respect, wherever you go because they are earned not given.
I assured him that when he reached Black (whether that was going to be at this Black Belt grading or the next one in six months’ time) that he would feel 10 feet tall because he would know for real, just how hard he had worked to earn it.
And wasn’t that the truth!
Beyond Black
First training session afterwards, Ninja Boy was dressed in his new Black Belt dobok complete with a certain darkly-coloured belt not less than 45 minutes early! The pride in himself was literally shining out of him that day and a moment I would hope every parent gets to experience from their children.
It was just that special and I know, a solid building block for his confidence and resilience in the future.
The remarkable thing was, he didn’t tell anyone at school about his achievement except his best mate. He’s not forthright like that. Even at 11, he understood this wasn’t something you brag about.
But at training, among our supportive club members, the smile on his face as he lined up in the front row next to the other Black Belts, lit up the room.
The road to Black Belt is a tough one. And if you are a parent with a child traveling along that road, buckle up because the journey is as hard on you as it is on them. Except at the end, they’re the one with the fancy Black Belt, not you! *humph
But really, who would have it any other way? The experience of being so deeply involved in helping my Ninja Boy achieve such a magnificent and significant achievement could never be over-shadowed.
Cue quotes about reaching Black Belt being only the beginning of the journey! *gasp
- So your child wants to be a Black Belt? Read this first… - January 29, 2019
- A violent marriage crushed the fight in her Taekwondo dream - October 16, 2018
- What Taekwondo In My 40s Taught Me About The Age Excuse - September 6, 2018
Congratulations to your Ninja Boy! Now the training continues. 🙂