Put your Own Oxygen Mask on Before Helping Others

How to Self-Regulate
(since no one ever teaches us this)

 

Hey there! Ever wonder why no one teaches us how to handle our emotions? Let’s talk about self-regulation – something we all need but rarely learn about…much less practice to the point of mastery.

 

Introduction

In a world that constantly demands our attention, energy, and emotional bandwidth, perhaps the most essential skill we’re never formally taught is how to regulate our own nervous systems. Our nervous system could be considered our actual self. Think about that. From childhood through adulthood, we navigate life’s inevitable stressors without a manual for our most powerful internal tool – our ability to reliably return to balance after emotional upheaval and upset. This invisible skill shapes everything from our relationships, to our self-confidence, to our productivity. Yet it remains largely unknown, inaccessible, and elusive. Until, that is, we find ourselves trapped in ineffective reactivity, wondering why we can’t seem to “just calm down” or “get it together.”

Self-regulation isn’t about suppressing emotions or maintaining perfect composure – it’s about developing a relationship with your nervous system that allows you to honor your feelings while remaining connected to yourself. Even, and perhaps especially, in those deeply challenging moments of overwhelming stress. By understanding the unique ways a human (your particular human body) responds to perceived threats – whether through fight, flight, freeze, or fawn reactions – you can build a balancing and personalized toolkit for returning to a state of safety, presence, and choice.

A well-regulated human being is a building block for a well-regulated family unit and. A well-regulated family unit is a building block for a well-regulated society.

Self-regulation is basically your body’s natural way of returning to a state that it can identify as safe after stressors strike. And around every corner and just after each sunrise a new set of stressors lurk – I call it adulthood. Self-regulation ss what helps you deal with big emotions without completely losing it or snapping at everyone around you. Often, powerful emotions can overwhelm us, even to the point of shutting down. Emotions which activate deeply rooted concerns as well as those which arrive without warning or very rapidly can see us snap into a reactive state. Your nervous system responds to stress in different ways – fight, flight, freeze, or fawn – and each one feels different in your body. The trick is finding tools that match whatever state you’re experiencing. A plumber won’t get far with pliers and a roofer won’t get far with hot glue – what’s needed is the right tool for you…given the state that these emotions have brought about.

Why does this matter so much? When your nervous system gets thrown off balance, you actually lose access to some pretty important things: your ability to reflect, think logically, connect with others, and make conscious choices. Instead, you shift into pure survival mode, reacting from instinct rather than intention. This is why you might feel out of control or act in ways that don’t feel like “you.” Beyond reactivity is a world of refreshing responsiveness… Be sure to navigate beyond impulsive, exhaustive, and emotional reactivity. The expression of such emotions seems urgent, but rarely actually is an emergency.

Now, let’s clear something up – regulation isn’t about avoiding feelings. It’s not about being Zen all the time or pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. And it definitely isn’t about suppressing your emotions. Instead, regulation is about staying present with your feelings, creating safety in your body, and moving through emotions while staying connected to yourself. Your true feelings deserve to be honored and aired – and they often get suffocated somewhere beneath the more impulsive and explosive emotions. Dig a bit and let your grounding roots reach beneath the obvious outburst.

 

 

FIGHT Reaction
Let’s look at different stress responses and how to handle them. First up is the fight reaction. This happens when your body perceives a threat and gets ready to defend itself. It typically shows up in people who had to protect themselves early in life, especially when they felt unheard or powerless. You might experience anger, frustration, rage, irritability, or impulsivity. A great tool for this state is to expand your gaze – look out a window or step outside. Look toward a horizon and don’t focus closely. I take my glasses off for this. At the far edges of our view, of our world, everything is softened. You can see it in the soft focus of the farthest trees. This long gazing naturally calms emotional reactivity and helps clear your mind. If possible, follow this with slow, intentional breathing to bring your heart rate down.

 

FLIGHT Reaction
Then there’s the flight reaction, where your body senses danger and tries to avoid or escape. This often appears in people who learned to stay busy or keep moving to avoid discomfort, emotions, or conflict. You might feel anxiety, panic, perfectionism, restlessness, or racing thoughts. A helpful regulation tool is to walk for at least 10 minutes. A treadmill is fine, walking in place is fine, and walking outdoors is fine. The point here isn’t to distract the nervous system but to help if it comes into communion with the easy pace of waking. This means: no headphones, no YouTube, no talking. You’re not walking away from your thoughts or walking with your thoughts – you are devoted to aimless walking at an easeful pace. The rhythmic movement naturally settles your nervous system. Afterward, try naming what’s around you in real time – colors, shapes, movements, textures – anything that keeps you present. It could be aloud, it could be in song, it could be a whisper, it could be entirely internal. Simple naming.

 

FREEZE Reaction
The freeze reaction happens when your body becomes overwhelmed and shuts down to conserve energy. This tends to show up in people who learned it was safer to go numb or disappear when nothing they did could change a situation. This often suggests a presumption, however subconscious, that the one facing crisis cannot possibly make things better – that their actions can only make things worse. Of course, this isn’t true…but in the moment, it can feel true. You might experience numbness, dissociation, sadness, apparent laziness, brain fog, feeling stuck, or even disconnection. Start regulating with small, easy movements like stretching, rocking, or gentle walking. Keep the motions well clear of anything that might be considered demanding. We’re looking for smooth and gentle movements that kindle a sense of nesting. Then add warmth by stepping into strong sunshine or pulling up a cozy blanket or heat pack. The bonus warmth can signal safety and help bring awareness back to your body.

 

FAWN Reaction
The fawn reaction is when your body tries to stay safe by appeasing or pleasing others. Fawning can often appear to be caretaking. Fawning is often the result of earlier trauma, so go carefully, here. The Fawn reaction is marked by someone prioritizing another’s needs over one’s own in an effort to avoid conflict or to navigate around perceived threats. This typically appears in people who learned to avoid danger by keeping others happy, especially when approval felt like safety. You might notice guilt, people-pleasing, anxiety around disapproval, fear of conflict, over-apologizing, lack of boundaries, or codependency. A helpful tool is to name your needs, either silently or in a journal. Simply acknowledging “I need rest” or “I need to feel understood” can help. You might like shouting such needs into a receptive forest or singing them to the ocean. Follow this by setting one small boundary to gently reconnect with yourself. Find a circumstance to try asserting a firm but gently delivered “No.” remind yourself and perhaps others that the act of stating “No” while seemingly a negative is a positive step that you are taking to care for your own needs.

 

 

Dorsal Shutdown
Another state is dorsal shutdown, a low-energy state where your nervous system drops into collapse mode, often after prolonged stress or overwhelm. This state is characterized by physical immobility, emotional numbness, and a sense of disconnectedness. This commonly affects people who’ve carried long-term stress or trauma without enough time, space, or support to recover. Sensory overload can bring this shutdown about and as it is a state of hypoarousal it can easily be mistaken for the Freeze reaction. You might experience exhaustion, apathy, depression, lack of motivation, or burnout. To regulate, focus your eyes on one spot (like a pen or your finger) for 30-60 seconds to help re-engage your attention. Then try using music, light, or something sensory like splashing cold water or stepping into fresh air.

 

Shame State
The shame state relates to low self-worth and is a protective response where your nervous system turns pain inward, blaming yourself to make sense of what’s felt unsafe or out of control. It is marked by feelings of inadequacy or even a sense of dishonor. This state can show up where someone sense of self feels threatened or is challenged which can result in he tactic of disappearing. This often appears in people who were criticized, invalidated, or made to feel like love had to be earned, especially in early relationships. You might experience insecurity, self-doubt, hopelessness, harsh inner dialogue, or feeling like you’re not enough. Shame activates the brain’s threat detection systems such as the amygdala and this can heighten feelings fo distress and fear. A good regulation tool is to list three small wins, traits, or things you like about yourself, no matter how small. If possible, ask someone you trust to reflect something kind or true back to you, and keep it somewhere you can revisit later.

 

Remember, though, that we’re not meant to do this all alone. Learning to regulate your nervous system is powerful, but humans aren’t wired to heal in isolation. Sometimes what brings your system back to balance isn’t a technique but simply being seen, heard, or held by someone else. This co-regulation activates the same pathways in your brain and body that restore safety and presence. Self-regulation creates inner safety, while co-regulation reminds us we’re not meant to carry everything by ourselves. So next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, remember these tools – and remember that sometimes reaching out is the most powerful regulation tool of all. And get a friend on board – you’ll want an emotional regulation support companion prepared to support your return to balance, and practice the skillset of surviving emotional turmoil.

 

Conclusion

The journey toward nervous system regulation isn’t about reaching a destination of perfect emotional balance, but rather about developing a compassionate relationship with your body’s natural responses to life’s challenges. As you practice recognizing your unique stress signatures and applying the right tools for each state, you’ll gradually expand the space between stimulus and response – that precious moment where true choice lives. Remember that self-regulation isn’t meant to be yet another standard of perfection to measure yourself against, but rather a path toward greater self-awareness and internal freedom. I promise that the path, though perhaps more circuitous than an outburst, offers a better view, is healthier, and leads to stronger relationships.
While the techniques shared here offer powerful ways to return to balance independently, perhaps the most profound healing comes through connection with others who can mirror back our worth and hold space for our authentic experience. In a culture that often glorifies independence and stoicism, the most revolutionary act might be remembering that we’re biologically wired for co-regulation and that reaching out is not a sign of weakness but a sign of your interest in access to profound wisdom. Your nervous system carries the imprints of your entire life experience – treat it with the patience, curiosity, and care it deserves.

 

For a deeper dive on the science of Calming Down, please see the author’s extensive article:

“The Science of Calming Someone Down: Why “Calm Down” Backfires and What Actually Works”

https://open.substack.com/pub/shhdragon/p/the-science-of-calming-someone-down?r=ouvze&utm_medium=ios

 

Bio

Stephen Watson has immersed himself in Eastern philosophy for over 40 years. Dàoism, the philosophical root of Tàijíquán (more commonly known as: Tai Chi), is made clearer in a moment with Stephen than in poring over dozens of translations from the Classics. Stephen’s martial training (the how) began in concert with his interest in philosophy (the why). His motto is: When you have enough Why’s you have Wise. He specializes in transmitting a profound understanding of why. Ask a question and he will show you that you already know the why. There are no hidden treasures only inattention.

Stephen Watson trained under Bruce Walker (Founder, Silent Dragon School of Kung Fu & Tai Chi.) as well as under Willem de Thouars, Don Miller, and Rick Barrett. Stephen’s training and teaching has brought him around the World to study, teach, and compete. Among his teachers have been 程愛平, Chéng, Àipíng, and 段智良, Duàn, Zhì Liáng and 李鳳山 Lǐ, Fèng-shān. Stephen trained to compete internationally with grandmaster 陳正雀, William C. C. Chen. Stephen is undefeated in national, international, and world competitions and was selected to represent the US as a member of William C. C. Chen’s world championship teams, which traveled to Asia and South America.

Stephen is the only person ever to compete, teach, and referee at the national championships of every governing body of both Kung Fu and Tai Chi. Stephen is currently a leading voice in the development of Certifications in his field that will be recognized by governments and the medical field both nationally and globally. Stephen continues to be at the forefront of developments in his industry that offer new avenues of outreach in a post-COVID world. Many people have come to know Stephen more recently due to his regular appearances on a variety of Health, Martial, Poetic, and Philosophical podcasts and with a growing variety of audiences for his powerful public speaking offerings.

Stephen is a regular poetry contributor to IAMOnline magazine, the world’s premier source for online martial study, and has been inducted into numerous Halls of Fame, including the Oriental Martial Arts College’s Hall of Honor as a “Bruce Lee Legend.” In fact, Inside Kung-Fu magazine calls Stephen Watson one of America’s 18 greatest Sifu (Kung Fu teacher) and named him to their prestigious Masters’ Forum. Stephen can be found at SomedayFarm.org as well as https://linktr.ee/SomedayFarm for all of the usual online spaces.

Notes:

Link to related article: For more depth and breadth on the topic of nervous system self-regulation, please see this essay's companion article which has been published here: The Science of Calming Someone Down: Why "Calm Down" Backfires and What Actually Works https://open.substack.com/pub/shhdragon/p/the-science-of-calming-someone-down